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2004
has come to an end, and it's time to look back. It was quite a
year, full of hurricanes, elections, and war. But like every
year, it was a year where females did things, and it's time to
recognize them. Still, it seems like this year, some ladies
decided to make their name through shame. That's why this
edition of the Girls of 2004 features the Shame-To-Fame scale,
which will indicate just how shameful (or fameful) the lady's
2004 accomplishments were. So, in the altered lyrics of the
Black-Eyed Peas, let's get it started in here!
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| Poor
Ashlee Simpson. The extra e is for extra embarrassment.
So you got caught lip-synching. Don't sweat it. You put
a face on the silent disease known as acid reflux.
Besides, you don't see your sister anywhere on this
list, do you? Way to become relevant! |
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This year, we learned that Britney
Spears-Alexander-Federline likes Chee-Tos, getting
married, and dancing naked with diamonds all over her.
All in all, a pretty good year for the white-trash
turned superstar turned back to white-trash. |
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Red state, blue state, it
makes no difference. We all can agree that the Bush
Twins are adorable! How about that speech at the
RNC?
They made a joke about Outkast! And "Sex & The
City!" Bonus points for dopiness as well as
twin-ness. |
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Carolyn Kepcher
will beat you down! This lady is no-nonsense, and you
better recognize. Don't tell her what's wrong with your
team, Chris. Don't call her Caroline, Bradford. Don't
act like a skank, Ivana. Bah, you're all fired! |
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Was Catwoman the
worst movie of the year? Probably not. Did Halle Berry
look pretty in it? Occasionally, when she wasn't
computer-generated. Will this film signify the end of
her career? Let's hope so. |
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Elastigirl
can kick your butt from around the corner. The matriarch
of a whole family of superheroes, she is just one of the
eleventy-million awesome things in The Incredibles |
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Evangeline Lilly
plays Kate on "Lost." "Lost" is
awesome. Someone who didn't watch the show might take
this opportunity to make a comment like "I wouldn't
mind being stranded on an island with her." That
person would be ignoring the possibility that Kate is a
murderer. |
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What may have been the best
Superbowl ever was overshadowed by the events of
half-time, particularly Janet Jackson's... costume failure. What seemed a hilarious blooper at the time
resulted in an unprecedented media shakeup, and the
fallout from her, uh, fallout still echoes.
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I showed up late to the Kelly
Ripa party, but that's no reason to leave her off the
list. She's half the reason I Tivo "Live" every
day. The other half is the Wild Wheel of Trivia. Just
kiddin', Reege! Remember Kelly on "SNL"? "We gotta cut this dead
guy up and put him in a bag!"
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He should be ineligible for a
list of ladies, but Ken Jennings has proven he's
able to overcome impossible odds. This is a man who
intimidated a nation of smarties out of a
"Jeopardy!" audition, winning two and a half
million in the process. Trebek wasn't the only one with a
crush on the guy.
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From little kid to complete
hottie in about six months. Dang! Where did this one come
from? Who cares? Funny in Mean Girls, funnier in the
tabloids, and just sorta awkward on her debut album, Lindsay
Lohan has plenty of reason to puff out her chest.
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Time was, no one would have
imagined that a 2004 end-of-year list would include
Loretta Lynn. Then she teamed up with Jack White (Jack
White!) to release Van Lear Rose, the coolest country
album you've heard in a long while. Gretchen Wilson, eat
your heart out.
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The Olsens coulda
been Siamese, they were so inseparable. Leave it to
the clever Mary-Kate to figure out how to
distinguish herself from her sis. After the release
of New York Minute, MK disappeared,
checking into rehab for "anorexia," which may or
may not have been "the real thing," so to speak.
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I'm not exactly sure what Paris
Hilton did this year, but it turns out that there's a
law says any 2004 year-in-review list must include her.
Dang Patriot Act.
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In 2004, Lucy Davis
could be seen in two pieces of entertainment that were
apparently designed as gifts for me. Shaun of the Dead,
the coolest movie I saw all year, and "The Office
Christmas Special," the coolest Christmas special I
saw all year. Thank you, Lucy. Thank you.
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Runners-up:
Drea
De Matteo (for puking, dying and then being on
"Joey")
Carly
Patterson (for something in the Olympics, apparently)
Portia
De Rossi (for being part of "Arrested
Development") Fantasia
(for singing better than William Hung)
Star
Jones (for making me realize that she was getting
married)
Joss
Stone (for sounding all mature)
Bryce
Dallas Howard (for almost saving The Village)
The
women of "Desperate Housewives" (for convincing people
that their show is worth watching)
Lindy
England (for pointing)
Lisa
of Team America (for extreme puppet lewdness) Jennifer
Garner (for the "Thriller" scene in 13
Going on 30, and for "Alias")
Martha
Stewart (for going to prison for... uh, something.)
Merry
Christmas, ladies! Merry Christmas, readers! Merry
Christmas, Montecore! |
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